We humans have a brain for a reason. We use it to think, to guess, to assume, but when we actually know something, that's when it's important.
When I know something, I hold onto it.
I'm guessing I'm writing this because I bottle everything up. I'm guessing I bottle everything up because I have trust problems. I'm assuming that I'm writing this in the middle of my notebook where it's not easily accessed because I'm distrustful.
And I know that's how this started: TRUST
A five letter word that's the key to every relationship.
When I do trust someone, I trust them fully and completely; without doubt. When you trusted me, I was so happy. But I didn't realise that the way you trust people is different from my way.
You tell people things, and hope to hear something back, but don't really expect it.
But that's because you don't realise. You don't realise that people want to trust you, to tell you things.
I didn't realise that trusting people so fully was a bad thing.
I've only been wrong about it once before.
Now the tally is up at two.
I trusted him with my secrets; he trusted me with his. I trusted him with my thoughts, my feelings, my jokes, my tears, my laughs and my screams.
I trusted him with everything.
And I guess, because of that, he fell in love with me.
I trusted him to not fall in love with me, because I loved him, but wasn't in love with him, and, well, that didn't work out well.
Because he did.
And geezus, does love make things complicated.
So then because he trusted me, he told me he loved me after I hadn't trusted to tell him to say that we, me and you, hadn't broken up.
He didn't know.
I trusted him to not take that kiss as anything significant.
I shouldn't have.
You trusted me to make the right desicion.
I don't know if I did.
Another thing I know: I'm very confused.
I love you and only you...
... but my love is for him and all for him.
You shouldn't have trusted me.
I hurt you.
I hurt him.
I hurt myself.
I don't know what to do.
Everyday, I'm with him, I talk to him, I laugh with him, I see him, but...
I think of you.
When my mind wanders, I wonder how you are, or what you're doing or what you're thinking. Sometimes I wonder if you're wondering about me.
I guess trust is complicated, too.
Someday I'll figure it all out, and we'll all trust each other.
But, maybe, only two of us will be in love.
I promise that day will come. I know it will.
Do you trust me?
PS: I wish you were here.