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January 28, 2009
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To: You,

We humans have a brain for a reason. We use it to think, to guess, to assume, but when we actually know something, that's when it's important.
When I know something, I hold onto it.

I'm guessing I'm writing this because I bottle everything up. I'm guessing I bottle everything up because I have trust problems. I'm assuming that I'm writing this in the middle of my notebook where it's not easily accessed because I'm distrustful.

And I know that's how this started: TRUST

A five letter word that's the key to every relationship.

When I do trust someone, I trust them fully and completely; without doubt. When you trusted me, I was so happy. But I didn't realise that the way you trust people is different from my way.
You tell people things, and hope to hear something back, but don't really expect it.
But that's because you don't realise. You don't realise that people want to trust you, to tell you things.
I didn't realise that trusting people so fully was a bad thing.
I've only been wrong about it once before.
Now the tally is up at two.

I trusted him with my secrets; he trusted me with his. I trusted him with my thoughts, my feelings, my jokes, my tears, my laughs and my screams.
I trusted him with everything.
And I guess, because of that, he fell in love with me.

I trusted him to not fall in love with me, because I loved him, but wasn't in love with him, and, well, that didn't work out well.
Because he did.

And geezus, does love make things complicated.

So then because he trusted me, he told me he loved me after I hadn't trusted to tell him to say that we, me and you, hadn't broken up.

Poor guy.
He didn't know.

I trusted him to not take that kiss as anything significant.
I shouldn't have.

You trusted me to make the right desicion.
I don't know if I did.

Another thing I know: I'm very confused.
I love you and only you...
... but my love is for him and all for him.

You shouldn't have trusted me.
I hurt you.
I hurt him.
I hurt myself.
I don't know what to do.

Everyday, I'm with him, I talk to him, I laugh with him, I see him, but...

I think of you.
When my mind wanders, I wonder how you are, or what you're doing or what you're thinking. Sometimes I wonder if you're wondering about me.

I guess trust is complicated, too.

Someday I'll figure it all out, and we'll all trust each other.

But, maybe, only two of us will be in love.

I promise that day will come. I know it will.

Do you trust me?

From Me.

PS: I wish you were here.
:raincloud:
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:iconjessica-lorraine-z:
Jessica-Lorraine-Z Aug 8, 2010  Professional General Artist
wow.. this is what I want to write.. but know it's too dangerous to write. Thank you.
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:iconboredomkillz:
I don't really know why you're thanking me.
Thank you for reading this. :heart:
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:iconjessica-lorraine-z:
Jessica-Lorraine-Z Aug 10, 2010  Professional General Artist
:P Me either ;)
Reply
:iconkibirkstele:
kibirkstele Sep 4, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
Just before I start: I love reading rambles.
It;s like a gate to someone's mind and someone's soul and it's beautiful because it's honest and un-fabricated and because you can feel the letters taping at your heart when you read it.
And that's what this did to me.

And I'm glad you wrote it down to show it to me and the rest of people who read it.
Mine often escape me...

And I hope you sorted all that trouble out.
And Barbara is right, you should write more. :)
Reply
:iconboredomkillz:
Oh, gosh, thanks.

I was in such a confused state that I didn't really care and decided to post it.

Sometimes, I write out my feelings like this: in a letter to the person who is most connected with it. I kinda borrowed the idea from Oprah, because she said to write a letter to someone you're mad at, but don't send it. And, uhm, yeah I watch Oprah, shut up. :D

Anyways, so I have a couple of these that maybe I should post.

I'm self-conscious about personal writing, because it's like: "here, let me lay out my emotions on table and then you can take it to a microscope or a chopping block and have fun with it."

Wow, I just don't shut up sometimes.
: X
It really helps me let stuff out, you should try it more if you've got stuff packed inside that you need to let out. :]
Reply
:iconspazzy-poptart:
That was*sniff* ... deep.
Reply
:iconboredomkillz:
... and true.
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconbarbed-m-mud:
barbed-m-mud Feb 3, 2009
I know this whole was/is painful for you, but you really need to write stuff out more often.
Because this was just fucking beautiful.
The PS was... I don't even have words for it. Heartripping? Gutstabbing?
Reply
:iconboredomkillz:
;_;
Thanks...(?)
Reply
:iconbarbed-m-mud:
barbed-m-mud Feb 22, 2009
*smooch*
I love you, you silly, stupid boy.
Reply
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